Following the death of my son, I fell into a resonance of aloneness. It’s an illusion, of course, as we are all connected regardless of how separate we may feel. Others tried to help, tried to reach out and bring condolences and casserole dishes, but I was alone in my experience and wanted even the kindest of visitor to leave before they even arrived. Eventually, I simply refused to answer the door or the ringing phone. I was busy. I had important business to attend to, and it consisted of immersing in the mire of death in order to make sense of the senseless. I had no energy reserves for entertaining those with goodwill and good intentions.
That solo period was necessary for my introspective exploration, soul healing, and as a part of the natural grieving process. It was a time for reading, pondering, challenging the status quo, and for dissecting the lessons and the messages of childhood and beyond. Undoubtedly, it was time to explore my core fracture, toxic emotions, unsolved traumas, and to face head-on, the whole of my existence. In short, it was a time to meet and find the gift in, and then to release the internalized energetic blocks that belonged to the past. As it turned out, it was a time to learn to forgive, and to learn to love myself.
I learned a lot during that period of separation. A LOT.
It was the death of my non-viable self, a self that needed to be re-born under new rules and with a fresh, evolved perspective, and with consciously chosen beliefs and values instead of those which came purely as a chance of birth. And it was the birthplace of my first book, Blessings in the Mire: A True Story of Miracles & Recollections.Â
This was not my first spiritual transformation. There was another that came many years prior, when my brother died in his sleep. He was 22 years old and I was 24. He simply died of what the coroner concluded was, “unknown natural causes.” Â It was devastating, and at the time I had no framework for working through the grief.Â We were best friends, and he was gone in an unpredictable instance.
My search for meaning began at his death. If there was a “God,” I surmised, “He” would not have taken my brother for no reason. And so, I denied the existence of God.
[bctt tweet=”Sometimes we have to lose everything in order to create the life we are meant to experience.” via=”no”]
My slate was wiped clean. There was no guilt, either from my brother’s death or from my dissolution of the religious dogma that I cut away. That’s a good place from which to build a new foundation. And I was thirsty for the materials that I would use to assemble the new groundwork and create the new reality. It was an unquenchable thirst that lead me to fascinating discoveries. And those discoveries too became incorporated into Blessings in the Mire decades later. Looking back, it seems all to have been Divinely orchestrated in a cosmic puzzle of which my life is but a corner portion.
Although both spiritual awakenings were triggered by the death of a loved-one, those periods of “aloneness” turned out to be more than simply introspective opportunities. Each was the most fertile ground for growth. And each brought to fruition, harvests that otherwise would not have been part of my personal expansion. The questions which brought more questions still, and which ultimately brought many wisdoms, would not have been asked. The books which have been purported to have “healing properties,” would not have been conceived or written. The possibility of my purpose would have been missed. And the books brought me back to the connection with others who have also experienced growth through loss. It truly is a perfect universe. Even when it hurts.
If you are feeling alone, allow yourself to really feel it. acknowledge the feeling. Where is it held in your physical body? What does it look like? Is it liquid, solid, or gaseous? Does it have a weight and a color? Does it have a gender? How can it affect you? What can it do for you? How is holding onto the feeling benefitting you? There is always a reward or you would not hold into it, so clearly identify what you get for holding onto the feeling.
When you are ready, express gratitude and release it. It is in the release, that the near magic of the purpose of the event will come. Once the energetic block is freed, so too are you freed to move forward into the next step of your evolution. Congratulations.
There is no way to predict how many transformations we each experience. There is the one continuous transformation that underlies the infinite path we each travel, and there are large expansive occurrences that are as if the hand of God has taken us from one familiar pathway and dropped us squarely -often roughly, into a new unknown. There are also several smaller, none-the-less influential and potentially equally transformative processes that take place around every corner, and in every book, and in each new conversation we share. We may be as snakes shedding skin and moving smoothly into the next awakening, or we may be more as a tantrum-throwing spoiled child. Either way, we are not deprived of opportunities for expansion and awareness and moreover of connection with others and with all. Regardless of the sense of separation we each may feel at any given moment, we all share the truth that our evolution is our purpose.
What it takes to step into that purpose is self-awareness. By beginning to pay attention to the physical feelings as those feelings are part of the whole alignment of the mind, body, spirit connection, as well as being indicative of the feeling of connection, or lack thereof, to the universe. In other words, self-awareness is the starting point to creating any intended transformation.
Start only by noticing the whole/gestalt of yourself, as though you are outside observing the “self” which is you. Notice your heart rate, breath, pulse, tense points, fists or open palms, what you do with your eyes when you have an opportunity to meet a stranger. Are your eyes deflectors? Is your posture strong and straight or are you more akin to a curled up “rollie-pollie” bug being petted by a four-year-old when you’re out in public?
Notice without judgment.
Notice your emotions next. How are your emotions serving you, and how are they not serving you? Again refrain from judging.
Notice your thoughts. What are they and what do they do for and against you? Where did they originate? Who taught you to have the thoughts that you have?
Notice without judgment. And notice if it is difficult to not have “judgment.”
Self-awareness is the greatest of all power tools for your toolkit. Use it often.
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